19. Your Relationships – Sacred Role of Husbands
Hymns: RHC 137 Thanks to God! 100 He Lifted Me 106 Christ Liveth In Me
Colossians 3:18-21
18 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. 20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. 21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
In Your Relationships – Sacred Role of Husbands
OUTLINE
- Familial (v18-21)
- Wife (v18)
- Husband (v19)
- Children (v20)
- Father (v21)
- Work (v22-24; Col. 4:1)
- Servant (v22-24)
- Master (Col. 4:1)
INTRODUCTION
This command to the husbands is really more important than the command to the wives. Both are important, but I believe, this one is more important. In this command, there is no looking around as to how the others in the church are loving their wives. This standard for husbands is set and it is permanent. This standard is for the husband. This standard for the husband is serious. The husband is to love his wife as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25).
Ephesians 5:25 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
- Familial (v18-21)
- Wife (v18)
- Husband (v19)
19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
Love is the priority for husbands. Authority is not the priority. Following Paul’s instructions to the wives (v18 cf. Eph. 5:22-24), which state that the husband is the head of the wife, you would have expected him to say next, “husbands are exercise your headship over your wives diligently, just as Christ is the head of the church.”
If you were to ask Christian husbands, “What is your main responsibility toward your wife?” you would often hear, “To be the head of my home!” While that is a serious responsibility, that is not what Paul says when he addresses husbands. Rather, he says (literally), “Husbands, be continually loving your wives….” The husband primarily (not the wife) is responsible to set an atmosphere of love in the home. This is a command and in the present tense, active voice. It is to be done continually, habitually.
Material provision is not the priority. Many Christian husbands think that their main responsibility is to provide an increasingly comfortable lifestyle for their wives and children. In fact, they would say that the long hours that they work are an expression of their love for their families. The truth is, many men find it easier to give their wives and children things than to spend time with them and share their hearts with them in deep, loving relationships.
The Bible bluntly states that if a man does not provide financially for his family, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever (1 Tim. 5:8). Those are strong words, and we should not disregard them! But Paul is saying that we must provide our families with basic needs, not with all of the stuff that the world says we need to be happy. Rather, your main responsibility toward your wife is, “Love her!” It’s not easy, but it is your priority.[1]
Today, we have all kinds of fornication, unfaithfulness and adultery.
And we are reminded in the book of Genesis, marriage has been assaulted formidably from the outside since its inception as it is today. In chapter 4 of Genesis is polygamy. In chapter 9, pornography is born. In chapter 16, adultery. In chapter 19, homosexuality. In chapter 34, fornication and unequal marriages. In chapter 38, incest. In chapter 38 also the first prostitute is mentioned. And in chapter 39 the first specific case of seduction.[2]
God says that this “martial love” is limited to the husband’s own wife, and no other woman. The husband or wife will say, but there is no more romance?
Like most people of both sexes today, many Jewish men in New Testament times looked on marriage only as a means of gratifying their own lusts and of fulfilling their own purposes. Marriage was the accepted means of sexual indulgence and of procreating children, and it also provided a convenient cook and housekeeper. Unlike modern people, however, most Jewish men appear to have been little concerned about romance.
MacArthur observed well, “Romance or biblical love can be a beautiful part of marriage that lasts even through old age. But romantic feelings cannot be the basis for a sound and enduring marriage, because they are largely composed of pleasant sensations toward the other person that are easily subject to change.
A sound marriage is based on permanent, unconditional commitment to one’s spouse, even if romantic feelings flicker or are extinguished altogether. If romantic feelings are the basis of a marriage, when a spouse begins to lose attractiveness, the other’s attention is turned to someone else who seems more promising and exciting. When one romantic fling after another is pursued, emotional burnout is inevitable. Such a superficial relationship cannot last long and never achieves the expected fulfillment. Each successive failure brings less satisfaction and more disappointment, disillusionment, and emptiness. The collective result, as seen so dramatically and tragically in modern society, is a generation of disoriented, lonely, isolated, untrustworthy untrusting, and emotionally bankrupt misfits looking for the next arousing sensation.
It is more difficult being a husband than being a wife in this situation. The husband has to continuously love his wife with the same standard of love that the Lord Jesus Christ has, as He loves the church. What kind of love is that? “Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for it.” That word for “gave” means “to deliver up one too custody, to be judged, condemned, punished, scourged, tormented, put to death.” That is what the Lord Jesus did for the sins our sins. That is the measure, that is the standard given in the Bible as a measure by which Christian husbands must love their wives. That standard will never change. It is an infinite standard which can never be fully met by any husband who ever lived. Man must love their wives to such an extent that you would be gladly willing to die for them, in their place, if necessary. If you are not willing to die for your wife, you are not loving your wife “as Christ lived the church and gave Himself for it.”
He further observes, “Most people, including many Christians, know little of the self-giving, self-committing, and self-sacrificing love that knits two souls together for a lifetime of sharing and happiness. Instead of the rich, deepening, meaningful, and thrilling friendship that only such love can bring, they settle for a cheap, shallow substitute that fluctuates with every mood and that is doomed from the beginning to be disappointing and short-lived. A relationship that is built only on pleasant emotions and good feelings will soon die, because those emotions and feelings are built on circumstances and on superficial and selfish expectations. But amazingly, a relationship that is built on loving commitment and self-giving concern for the other person will produce emotions and feelings that not only do not die but grow richer and more satisfying with every year. Feelings are a poor foundation for marriage, but they can be a wonderful, glorious by-product.
The committed marriage is the only happy and enduring marriage. When two Christians love each other for the other’s sake rather than their own and live their lives in humble submission to God’s Word and to each other, a bond is formed that can withstand every temptation, disappointment, and failure that Satan and the world can hurl against them. They become lovers and friends in a way that the unbeliever and the disobedient Christian can never know. In sharing everything together, they forge a friendship that knows no limitations, no bounds, no secrets, and no conditions.
Like the disciples, some Christians today seem afraid that lifelong, unconditional commitment would destine them to a life of boredom and frustrating restrictions. They conclude with the Twelve that it is therefore simply better not to marry. But God planned and designed marital commitment to bring just the opposite. No marriage can be happy and satisfying, much less enduring, without it. God blesses a committed union in ways that a single person, or an uncommitted husband and wife, can never experience and hardly imagine. Far from being a reason to avoid marriage, lifelong and loving commitment is the very thing that makes it most fulfilling and desirable.
Obviously, a Christian’s marriage partner should be chosen carefully and with much prayer. Marriage commitment should only be given to a person who shares one’s spiritual values and commitments. But there is no human joy or fulfillment that can measure up to that which is experienced by a husband and wife who love Jesus Christ and each other and who live together in obedience to His Word and in the power of His Spirit.”[3]
… and be not bitter against them.
The word “bitter” means “literally make bitter; of waters cause to be undrinkable; passive become bitter”, figuratively and passive become angry, become resentful, become bitter (Colossians 3:19). [Friberg Lexicon]
A derivative meaning parapikraínō which is “to exasperate, provoke”. Similar meaning of words includes stenochōréō – “to distress”; choláō – “to be full of gall, angry, bitter”. Opposite meanings include chaírō – “to rejoice”; agalliáomai – “to rejoice greatly, exult”; euphraínō, to make merry, gladden; euthuméō – “to make cheerful, cheer”; tharséō “to give courage or be of good courage”.
The present Imperative forbids the continuance of the action, most frequently when it is already in progress; in this case, it is a demand to desist from the action.
Bitterness refers to that which is caustic, resentful or sarcastic. The English dictionary (Webster) describes being bitter as one who exhibits intense animosity, who is harshly reproachful, who is marked by cynicism or rancor and finally as one who is intensely unpleasant. The recipient of another’s bitterness experiences an emotion (in words or actions) that is distasteful or distressing.
Wherever bitterness is, there love is wanting. And where love is wanting in the married life, there is hell upon earth. [Adam Clarke]
Husbands must be careful not to harbor ill will toward their wives because of something they did or did not do. A “root of bitterness” in a home can poison the marriage relationship and give Satan a foothold.
Ephesians 4:31 (KJV) Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
Ephesians 4:27 (KJV) Neither give place to the devil.
Hebrews 12:15 (KJV) Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;
The Christian husband and wife must be open and honest with each other and not hide their feelings or lie to one another. “Speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15) is a good way to solve family differences.
Ephesians 4:15 (KJV) But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ:
“Let not the sun go down upon your wrath” is a wise policy to follow if you want to have a happy home (Ephesians 4:26).
Ephesians 4:26 (KJV) Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
A husband who truly loves his wife will not behave harshly or try to throw his weight around in the home.” [Wiersbe, Warren: Bible Exposition Commentary. 1989. Victor]
Something that once was good has turned “sour!” How many times this happens in marriages! These things ought not to be! Clearly, husbands need to depend on the indwelling Word and the indwelling Spirit to lead like Jesus and not be embittered when circumstances might arise that provoke this fleshly attitude.
Rob Salvato said insightfully, “People become bitter whenever expectations are unrealistically high and they go unmet – Unmet expectations turn into disappointments, that turn into Bitterness. Let me tell you a secret – your wife can not be God for you. She will not satisfy your deepest longing. Only the Lord will satisfy you. And only the Lord will satisfy her, so don’t come to your marriage relationship with all these expectations instead – settle into your God ordained role – and Love her!
The cycle of love and submission begins with you [Picture of Christ & the Church]. And here is what we know about our Lord. We love Him, why? Because He first loved us. We love God, we submit to God, we give ourselves totally over to Him, because we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He loves us. The Husband like Jesus is the initiator – the wife like the Church is the responder! This is what makes it safe for your wife to submit to you, She will never want to put herself under someone who is going to crush her. But it is a lot easier when she knows that you love her.
That is why this whole process has to start with the Husband. Now in Ephesians Paul writes that we are to love our wife like Christ loved the Church in that he gave himself for her. And we are to love her like we do our own bodies – We nurture and care for our bodies. Often time we focus on the first one – Love her like Christ loved the Church = Sacrifice & Service – Lay down my life. We can think of that in such mystical terms – high elevated terms. The 2nd exhortation really brings it down to earth however – and I think gives the how to – Love her & take care of her like you do your own body.
The bottom line is that we are to be as tuned in to our wives needs as we are to the needs of our own body! And we are to be as quick to meet those needs and we are to meet the needs of our own body. If there is one thing that we are tuned into, it is the needs of our own body. Hungry tired / need a break. We are so tuned into our bodies, we even anticipate their needs.
In the same way guys, we should be that tuned into the needs of our wives, and then that quick to meet those needs.
In a counseling appointment, it is asked “tell me about yourself, what makes you tick and he listed off a whole bunch of things that were necessary for him to be a happy guy. Then I said, Okay, now what makes your wife tick, what does she need to be a happy and content woman.” And he gave one of those blank looks. He didn’t have a clue! And he is not alone: A lot of guys wouldn’t know how to answer that question.
Why do we not know? We don’t ask! And if we do ask, we don’t listen. It’s amazing what you will find out about your wife if you would just ask.Hear her heart.
What do you see in your wives, what are their gifts and talents and dreams and desires? Do you know? If you do know, what are doing to help them fulfill those dreams and desires? When I was a kid I used to like to play treasure hunt in our neighbors pool – Dive for treasures / search the pool for Treasures.
Marriage is kind of like treasure hunt. Funniest part of Marriage – Discovering how I can bless my wife / How I can make her happy/ How I can show her I love her. What can I do – that is really going to communicate that I was thinking about her today. How surprised I was thinking about this the other day: How God is a Romantic And He definitely is a Pursuer when it comes to love.
The Bible is full of pictures of the Pursuing nature of God in trying to win our hearts, but I was thinking about God being a Romantic – every sunset – Look what I made for you today. Every blessing – every gift – every time he meets our needs – the comfort that he gives in the midst of trials. It is all his way of saying – I love you and you are important to me. How has God been pursuing you this week – What blessings has He brought into your life – just to let you Know He loves you! That is God! Encourage us to follow that example in seeking to show ways that communicate to our wives – I love you / you are special to me. The end result of this will be a wife that is secure and stoked and confident and growing. And that is the kind of woman that you want to be married to. No one can love your wife like you can. You have been designed uniquely by God to love the woman that He gave you. No one can do it like you can, so go for it, do it.”
[1] Steve Cole, Do you really love your wife?, 2008, 2-3.
[2] John MacArthur, God’s Pattern for Wives Part 1 & 2, 1996.
[3] MacArthur, J. F., Jr. (1985). Matthew. MacArthur New Testament Commentary. Chicago: Moody Press.